Okay, it’s my birthday (thank you everyone for all of the well wishes!) and so I figured that today would be a good day to post my latest Scott Says series.  I mean, he can’t get mad at me on my birthday, right?  Tee hee!

Well, I should have known better.  An “in-depth interview” with Scott Lehnhoff was going to be a huge challenge, given his participation levels in the past.  Here, he started out strong though (probably because the questions were football-centered), but lost some steam as the interview progressed.  Some of his answers are actually really good.  And, as you will see, others, not so good.

 

M: If there was such a thing as a BFL (Baby Football League), would Landri be a defensive line candidate because of her tenacious energy and superior lower body strength?

S: Sure.  She also has intense anger when having a meltdown which could prove useful on the field if she could find a way to harness that rage.

M: With such a low center of gravity she could probably be a good running back but probably lacks the concentration to gain significant yardage.

S: She’s pretty quick for a husky girl.  She might do okay.

M: Having two babies will mean the match will be even at home: 2 adults versus 2 babies. What’s the best strategy to win that match?

S: Man to man coverage. That’s why we can’t have three because they will break the zone.

M: Name the 3 most important things NOT to do when your wife is pregnant?

S: Speak, leave a plate out, and basically do anything.

M: What are 3 of the most important things you need to do when your wife is pregnant?

S: I don’t know if anything can help.

M: What is the most dangerous thing you can say to a pregnant woman?

S: Pretty much everything.

<I guess he learned last pregnancy that telling your pregnant wife that she “looks like a bloated toad,” among other things, qualifies as a “dangerous thing” to say to a pregnant woman.  Yes, that really happened.>

M: How should you apologize if you find yourself in a bad situation with your pregnant wife?

S: Very carefully.

M: Have you ever noticed that you never really answer questions?  You’re kind of like a politician.

S: Mm.

M: What do pregnant women like?

S: Complaining.

M: What else do they like?

S: Food.

M: What sympathetic pregnancy symptoms did you experience either with Landri and/or Baby #2?

S: Neither.

M: You didn’t gain weight or anything?

S: Nope.

M: What about irritability?

S: Yes, you make me more irritable.

M: And you make me more irritable as well.  What new dad advice do you have to share?

S: I don’t know. I haven’t figured it out yet.

M: Do you really not have any new dad advice in 13 months of experience?

S: Not really, no.

M: Well, what do you wish you had known before having a baby?

S: Um, I knew everything.  <and I start LAUGHING MY HEAD OFF>  Why is that so funny?

M: But you just said you hadn’t even figured it out yet!?

S: Figured what out?

M: New dad advice!  You just said you hadn’t figured it out but then said you knew everything already.  Those two statements contradict themselves.  Are you paying attention?

S: Not really.

M: What are 3 things you should absolutely not do with a baby?

S: Ignore silence, leave the baby gate open, and forget to feed them.

M: What are 3 things you should not feed a baby?

S: I don’t know (which explains why he tried to feed Landri dried cranberries at age 4 months with no teeth).

M: What is the best defensive play when it comes to changing diapers?

S: The prevent.

M: What’s that?

S: It prevents you from getting poop on your hands.

M: So how does one “prevent?”

S: It prevents you from getting poop on your hands.

M: But what do you do to prevent getting poops on your hands?

S: Mm… I just made that up.

M: So then do you always get poop on your hands when you change diapers?

S: No.

M: So how do you not get poop on your hands?

S: Very carefully.

M: What games do toddlers like?

S: To play with everything they are not supposed to play with.

M: Like what?

S: I don’t know!

M: What is the importance of multitasking as a parent and how do you do it?

S: You do a lot of stuff at once because there’s a lot of stuff to do.

M: How do you do that?

S: You just, have your wife do it.

M: Tell me some ways to calm a newborn.

S: Give it food.

M: Any other ways? What if it just ate?

S: Pacifier.

M: What are important elements of a toddler’s daily routine?

S: You have to keep it on routine.

M: Well, what is the routine?

S: Feed and sleep.

M: Are there any other elements of the daily routine worth mentioning?

S: Nah.

M: What should all men know before having a baby?

S: That it’s exhausting.

M: Name some ways to entertain a toddler.

S: Give it a remote.

M: What’s another way?

S: Give it a phone.

M: Anything else?

S: Give it food.  Let it roam.

M: What car seat advice do you have for new dads?

S: Put your babies in them.

M: Seriously?

S: Yeah. They have to be in a car seat.

M: Knowing what you know about babies and parenting, what are you anticipating about the arrival of baby #2?

S: Complete chaos.

M: What?

S: Chaos.

Okay, so that’s the end of our deep look inside Scott Lehnhoff, the Man, the Parent, the Father.  Can we just recap my favorite part of the interview?  I think I’m gonna make T-shirts with these poetic lyrics.  Wise words from a wise man.  Fathers to be – take note!