It’s been a while since we’ve had any Scott quotes or parental advice and today is your lucky day.  A couple of years ago, one of my girlfriends and I started a list of some of our favorite quotes and advice that our husbands have said (and actually meant).  I won’t say which quotes are Scott’s and which are his buddy’s, but we’ll just call this our “99 Ways to See Your Kids Every Other Weekend” list.  Just kidding, but it is pretty funny though – at least we think so, haha!  We did have to filter out some of the Rated R ones, so hopefully these are still entertaining!  Enjoy the last bit of the weekend!

On Having Children in General

• It’s a game changer.

On Pregnancy

• Don’t get upset or pout when your 9 months pregnant wife does not want to give you a back rub.
• Don’t tell your pregnant wife that she looks like a “bloated toad.”
• Don’t tell your pregnant wife that her “cankles are so bad that they look like leggles.”

On Childbirth

• Don’t tell your wife that “you realize they aren’t that fragile when you see them shoot out of there like that.”
• Don’t tell your wife that an episiotomy is “no big deal.”
• There is much more to getting a baby outside of a mother than just showing up at the hospital and getting in a bed.
• Don’t pack wind shorts and beer t-shirts to wear at the hospital – they won’t look good in the hospital pictures, pack real clothes.
• When your wife is in the middle of a very intense contraction, do not ignore her instead focusing on the TV and trying to figure out what channel you want to watch.
• After your wife gives birth, do not tell her that you need a nap and she doesn’t because she will have “3 months of maternity leave and can sleep then.”
• Cutting the umbilical cord does not cause any pain to the baby.

On Newborns

• Paper towels are not the same thing as burp cloths.
• Spit up is not puke. It also will not hurt you.

On Parenting

• Telling your 3 year old to “make a mental note of where you put your toys” might not be an effective toy management technique.