I once wrote a post, A Day in the Life, about how things had changed since my departure from Corporate America. And then earlier today while sharing a Rex story with my good friend Gus, we decided that I needed to craft a similar post, but from Rex’s perspective. So here goes just a small snippet of what Rex would say if he were to write about a “Day in the Life.” Is it tragic that I just spent my Friday night penning this post? LOL.
I woke up at 6:30 this morning and didn’t hear Landri making a racket in her room yet, which can only mean I’m the first one up. I decided to take matters into my own hands. For those of you who don’t know me, you may not know I have a love for singing. So, in between gnawing on my crib rails, I decided to belt out one of my favorite songs the only way I know how…deafeningly loud. Perhaps you’ve heard it? It goes: “BAAA BABA BABAB DA DA-DA DA BaBa Da Da BAAA BABA BABA DA DA DA DA DA BaBa Da Da!!!!” It really is a charming tune. I was even more pleased that it only took a minute or so until I heard Landri enjoying my vocal skills, though it’s also possible she was crying because I woke her up; it’s hard to tell. Sisters, am I right? Regardless, “Good,” I thought. “Mom will come get us soon. After all, I’m hungry.” But how rude would it be for mom to show up and me not be adequately prepared for her visit? Nothing says “good morning” quite like pooping your pants. It’s a special sunrise surprise! So I spent the next five minutes grunting out my first of many dumps of the day. And today seems like a good day for a record-breaking Olympic level Poop Pentathlon.
Once my bottom was adequately cleaned and powdered, we moved to the breakfast table. Oh! Waffles for breakfast?! I love waffles. At least I did yesterday. Today I HATE them though. But I do love throwing them! Oddly enough, Mom had a comparable reaction when I performed a similar trick with my vegetables last night. Even my big sister Landri gave me dirty looks! Thankfully, I knew how to fix this. It was time to rub the remaining waffle bites in my hair. Not only does it provide my hair with a healthy shine, but it feels so cool when my scalp gets all sticky and greasy at the same time!
I decided to throw my first tantrum of the day when Mom proceeded to give me a baby wipe bath. I HATE those! Next time someone tries to bathe you with baby wipes I recommend kicking as hard as you can and planting your palms right on their throat. This is an effective technique which worked today as the “bath” ended pretty quickly and she let me keep the syrup in my hair. Or maybe she forgot. Either way, I consider that a win. She even missed some syrup between my fingers so I was able to go rub some all over my 3 month old baby brother Ty-Ty when she wasn’t looking.
7:35 am. I just couldn’t believe it. I let more than an entire hour pass without another dump. I decided to make up for that mistake and dropped a huge deuce for Mom to make her proud!
7:36 am. It was a good one. She smelled it instantly and swooped me up for a diaper change right away. She even gagged a few times! My work is done here! … until my next one, hahahaha!!!
We spent the next few hours playing and just hanging out at home while Mom did some laundry and other mind-numbing adult stuff. I felt kinda bad for her and so to keep her from getting bored, I decided to spice things up a bit. First I waited until Ty Baby pooped. Then I decided to work out my third poop of the day almost simultaneously. It’s so fun to watch her try to figure out who was the pooper! And then the surprise on her face when she realizes it’s D) All of the above! Priceless! Boys are so awesome! Next, I decided that it had been a while since I tried to kamikaze headfirst off the back of the couch to the tile floor four feet below me. Mom’s getting old and she needs me to continually test her reflexes and physical prowess. I also tried to climb one of Landri’s step stools and flip it out from under me, leaving me hanging from the countertop. I take my responsibility to train my Mom very seriously. Lastly, after dropping my fourth, yes, I said FOURTH, poop of the day, and she took my diaper outside to the trash, I snuck out the door behind her and made a mad dash for the street. This was the peak of the morning workout that I created for her today.
Lunchtime. Mom thought I would like some cucumber with my lunch. Um… it came from the earth. Have I mentioned how much I HATE things that come from the earth? Unless it’s a rock or twig or bug, why would I eat anything from outside?! Anyhow, I threw those cucumbers on the floor where they belong! Just like with my waffles, Mom wasn’t too pleased. I actually felt a little bad and decided that I needed to redeem myself and make her proud of me. Remember when I said I was working on that Olypmic Poop Pentathlon record? Well, I dropped #5. That’s right. You can just call me the Poop Pimp from now on.
12:30 pm. After I opened all of the drawers in Dad’s dresser and started emptying them, Mom swooped me up and mumbled something about naptime. What?! The fun was just getting started!! But she was right, I was getting a little tired. And I needed to save up my energy for not only her second workout of the day, but my grand finale in the Poop Pentathlon!